38. Looking for meaning

The need to understand the meaning of everything, it might be just a human software bug. There is no point in arguing about that. People spend years, entire lives trying to understand something.

After reading “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jennette McCurdy I had the sensation that I know this story. Of course, my circumstances were different at that time when crazy things were happening, things that I could not make sense off.  I searched for the meaning. 

I am not familiar with Jennette McCurdy the actress (it seems that she is very well-known in the USA), but I am very familiar with the emotional states she talked about in the book. I am thinking of myself during those times when I was struggling with eating disorders, being lonely among people who did not care, and I was horrified by the gravity of her situation while reading. 

Jennette grew up with a narcissistic mother. The moments she describes when the mother was screaming out of her wits, trashing Jennette’s father and pushing him outside the house, blaming him for everything that went wrong - these are quite familiar. The same as the part when she is starting to work as an actress. 

My first job right out of the university was in the fashion industry. I was a fashion model. I became it, I forced myself to become it. For a while I played that role. At that time, I saw it as a job, in fact, that is why I started. I wanted to have a job while I was at the University so that my parents would not have to support the cost. I already got a big chance by getting to study in Romania on a scholarship, which meant that my studies did not cost them anything, but the living expenses were also a problem. So I accepted the offer. I remember the feeling when I first started modeling -  I had no idea what I was doing, my posing was far from being elegant and my presentation and my physical appearance, needed changes. 

Jennette was introduced to the acting industry by her mother. It was her mother’s desire to become an actress, and since this did not happen, she pushed her daughter into it. Jennette wanted to please her mother, then she needed to survive, then she was caught in the web of manipulations, lies and games people play, and she got stuck. 

My first assignment was in China, Beijing, three months. I still remember that I tried to push back and said that I wanted to give up, in the first days I was there. But the Agency said no, that is not possible. I now had a debt to return. And from there for the next couple of years, I kept moving from country to country, mostly Asia. I managed to work a lot and so I paid all the debts that models have when being “signed” by an agency. The Agency first supports the cost for transportation, accommodation, but these need to be paid back by the model. Which is a lot of pressure. I felt a lot of pressure.  Because of the need to be skinny I had to make some drastic changes in terms of alimentation, this lead to a deterioration of my health, physical and mental. 

In the case of Jennette, she had huge success, the type of success that makes one hide in order to get out.

She was making money as well, and it seems that she managed to support her family like that. It is painful to read about these things. Her mother sold the childhood of her daughter so that she could feel important, alive. Not only that, she taught her an eating disorder that lead to a horrible anorexia then bulimia and alcohol problems. 

I remember going through that as well. 

The flashes that I got while reading the book reminded me that I lived though some very dangerous situations that might have been the end of me. I survived. I remember thinking about this, soon after I gave up travelling for modeling, wondering what was it that kept me alive. What was that shimmer of hope, light, curiosity, God ? 

What was it that gave Jennette the power to survive and cure herself ?

It is funny but also amazing that, right after finishing the book, I came to listen to a podcast with Dr. Ramani Durvasula where she mentioned this very book  “I’m Glad My Mom Died”.

Her argument in that podcast was related to forgiveness. She said that we should not make the mistake of thinking that forgiving a narcissistic person who harmed you is easy, and a book like this might lead you into that confusion, which causes even more questions about your own value as a person. 

It is not easy, nor necessary, I would say, to forgive a harmful person. It is necessary to learn that even if this person looks and talks like people do, they will harm you and that they don’t have your best interest in mind. 

Although I read the book, I did not think that Jennette wanted to say that she forgave her mother. The book ends in a strong way, in a way that allows Jennette to finally detach from the mother or her memory of the mother, the meaning she assigned to her daughter and step further in life on her own. I thought that was a good message.  I liked reading the book, it is written in a rather humorous way with incisions of sharp reality.  

And now, I’m off to the next one, which is very exciting and interesting. I’ll tell you about it!