19. Ready for…a little life

I’m not going to disclose the plot, as to preserve the sanctity of an unread book, but I’m going to talk about the feelings and thoughts I’ve had after and while reading “A Little Life” by Hanya Yanagihara. The image I had in my mind was that of being almost submersed in a dark, black, slimy water. Sewage water. But my head was still outside so that I could see and hear. As I was reading, I was floating like this observing the scenery change around. The feeling I had was that of floating and at times being scared back into reality. I was surprised when that happened and it happened when the story got real, raw and bloody. Feeling sad, silently happy at times, then again angry for being human just like some predators roaming the cities, the streets, the homes and the minds. The book brought up memories, feelings and convictions I worked hard to grow out of and to see myself out of the drainage. I wished that one of the main characters, Jude, would have done so too. I wished that he would fight harder. But he tried, oh how did he try. Humans need reasons to fight for their life, for their existence but Jude had not taught the human way of being. His purpose was to remove fear and pain out of his body and mind. And so he did. Like all great stories, this one too made me think about the nature of being alive, suffering, healing, the innate need humans have for companionship and not any kind of it, but the good, nurturing kind. We need caring, supportive and strong Love to be alive and to be Humans. How the absence of Love and the presence of Darkness transforms Humans in predators, in animals. I read the book in 2024, a time when the society and the internet are shaken almost every day by some kind of evil eruption, some manifestation of the darkness residing in the human mind. Living here and now got me ready for all the hurt and pain coagualted in a book. I was prepared for the scenes when self inflicted harm was administered as a solution to greater pain, to get numb. I was prepared for the sexual abuse scenes. I was prepared for the scenes when Jude was hit, hit until his face and body were unrecognizable, bloody. I was prepared for the suicide attempts. Prepared for the self loathing and self abandonment. My survival instinct kicked in at times while reading, reminded me that I have a healthy Heart and Mind, but at the same time, the moments of free falling and loosing the connection to life were familiar. I was Jude. The world we live in prepares us for pain and even more. Atrocities are happening everyday. We know about them because we put them on display as if for entertainment. We are commenting on them, make "content" out of them as we move ahead with our lives. And what else can one do but move on? Life is for living. If the mind is opposing living, pain and fear will cloud the vision. There is no way around it. And here I am, having read another book, one that shook my Heart and Soul, having to go out into the world again, having to trust the nothingness that the world will be there as I know it, that I will be the one I know I am. Having to find the power in myself somewhere, somehow in case the world blows up. We all stand up and fight. I will and you will do too, Jude did.